“When I Didn’t Want to Live: How God’s Love Pulled Me Back from the Edge”
I remember the day I believed the lie that there was nothing special about me. Maybe you’ve believed that too—or you know someone who has. As a young girl, I often looked in the mirror and saw just another light-skinned, long brown-haired girl. I didn’t see purpose. I didn’t see value. I didn’t understand that my uniqueness, like yours, would never be reflected from the outside. It was always buried in something much deeper—something only God could reveal.
My golden birthday—turning 13 on the 13th—was approaching, and instead of excitement, I felt an urgency to end my life on the day I was born. Why on my birthday? Because I thought I was a mistake. I thought my existence was accidental—born into a family that was struggling, broken, and unsure how to love me properly.
But what about the ones who seem to have it all together? Why do they feel suicidal too? Suicide is not just an emotion—it’s a spirit, a dark lie from the enemy that tries to convince us that our lives have no meaning. God is the giver of life. And the truth is, many who struggle with suicidal thoughts are battling comparison—believing their impact or worth doesn’t measure up.
When the world mourned Cheslie Kryst’s death, I was shaken. She was 30 years old—beautiful, accomplished, crowned Miss USA in 2019. From the outside, she looked like the picture of confidence and success. But somewhere on the inside, she couldn’t see the same value that God saw in her. Like me, she battled the invisible war of self-worth.
God loved Cheslie. And He loves you.
We spend so much of our lives seeking validation—from parents, partners, friends, careers, and followers—yet until we receive love from the Source of love Himself, we will always feel empty.
For me, it was my husband’s approval I was chasing. When he rejected me, it echoed the same lie I heard as a child: “You are a mistake.” That’s how childhood trauma works—it whispers familiar pain through adult experiences until we confront it with truth.
God’s word says, “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” (Jeremiah 1:5)
That means He thought of you before anyone else did. He dreamed of you. He designed you. You are not a mistake.
Jesus loved us so much that He chose to leave heaven for us. He didn’t want eternity without us. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son…” (John 3:16). But it wasn’t just the Father’s choice—Jesus willingly laid down His life because there is no greater love than this.
I escaped suicide at 13, but that same spirit came for me again at 30. I was married then, trying to prove my love to my late ex-husband, desperate to be seen. When his rejection broke me, I remember saying to God, “I don’t want to live without him.”
And I’ll never forget what God whispered back through that moment. My husband turned to me one day and said, “Do you love yourself?” I froze. Because the truth was—I didn’t.
Suicide is self-hatred. But in that moment, I fell to my knees and told God, “I don’t love me, but I’ll let You love me.” That was the beginning of my healing.
The Bible says, “We love Him because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)
When I finally received God’s love, I began to love myself. I overcame the spirit of suicide because I realized—I am deeply loved.
Friend, suicide is NOT the answer.
Jesus IS.
He is ready to reveal His love to you. Don’t give up on yourself. You are not a mistake. You are a miracle in progress.