The Covenant Still Speaks

Sometimes we read the Bible like it’s a fairytale, but it’s not. These were real people with real lives and real pain. When I read the story of Lot, I don’t see a suspense thriller or an action-packed movie—I see a man whose world was about to be consumed by fire. Lot and his family were the only ones about to be spared, not because of their righteousness, but because of Abraham’s covenant with God.

The sins of Sodom and Gomorrah had risen before God as an abomination, and judgment was coming. Yet, even in destruction, we see mercy. The only reason Lot and his family were rescued was because of Abraham’s obedience. That’s the power of covenant—one person’s “yes” can shift the destiny of generations.

You might be wondering, Does God really honor obedience? Absolutely. God not only honors obedience—He multiplies it. When we say “yes” to Him, that obedience creates a covenant that stretches beyond our lifetime. Scripture says He keeps covenant and mercy “to a thousand generations” (Deuteronomy 7:9). That means some of the blessings you’re walking in right now aren’t even because of you. Somebody in your bloodline made a vow to God, and you’re living in the overflow of a promise they never saw fulfilled.

Hebrews 11:39–40 says,

“And these all, having obtained a good report through faith, received not the promise: God having provided some better thing for us, that they without us should not be made perfect.”

That means there are promises that didn’t die with them—they’re being perfected through you. Your ancestors may not have received everything God showed them, but those promises are still alive in your bloodline, waiting for someone to carry them to completion. God has been waiting generations for you to step into the “better things” He reserved for this season.

I remember praying one day and saying, “Lord, I don’t just want what’s mine—I want what my great-grandmother, my grandmother, and my mother never received.” That became a battle cry in my spirit. I went to war for generational blessings that had been delayed or denied. I refused to let those promises remain buried beneath time, trauma, or disobedience.

When you carry generational purpose, you’ll also encounter generational warfare. But you have the authority to break it. God is unlocking ancient covenants and eternal secrets, waiting for those who will ask Him, “What are the better things You have reserved for me?” He’s looking for those who will seek Him beyond convenience and carry His covenant forward.

Even in Lot’s story, we see God’s mercy in motion. Genesis 19:16 says,

“When he hesitated, the men grasped his hand and the hands of his wife and of his two daughters and led them safely out of the city, for the Lord was merciful to them.”

Even when Lot hesitated, God still sent angels to pull them out. That’s the kind of mercy covenant brings—it rescues when hesitation would have destroyed. God is still sending angels for our families. Some of our loved ones may be stuck in cycles or caught in destruction, but God is not finished with them. Because of your “yes,” your obedience, and your prayers, deliverance is on the way.

If God went out of His way to save Lot for Abraham’s sake, He will do the same for you. The covenant still speaks. The same mercy that pulled Lot out is reaching into your family line right now. Stand on that covenant. Declare it. Activate it.

Your obedience today is protecting tomorrow’s generations. God is still honoring every “yes.”

All is well

I rushed frantically into the emergency room, holding my limp 2-year-old in my arms. The woman at the front desk looked up, asked me to fill out a small sheet of paper, and told me to have a seat. Surely, I thought, they’d call him right away. But moments later, she got up casually to grab a bag of chips—as if nothing else in the world mattered—while my son’s lips were turning bluer by the second.

Then it happened.

Jeremy let out a loud gasp for air. I ran to the desk, interrupting her snack break, and cried out, “My baby is not breathing!” Suddenly, everything changed. He was rushed behind the curtain as the loud announcement echoed through the intercom: CODE BLUE. CODE BLUE.

At just twenty-two years old, I stood there watching doctors and nurses swarm around my baby boy. Jeremy had gone into cardiac arrest while I was told to sit and wait. But in that moment of chaos, fear, and confusion—I heard a whisper in my spirit reminding me: all is well.

God’s peace covered me in a way I can’t explain. No tears. No panic. Just a supernatural calm. I was simply praying for answers and trusting that God would do what He does best—be faithful.

The Bible says, “If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small” (Proverbs 24:10). That verse became my anchor. Jeremy lost oxygen to his brain and lay in intensive care for five long days. Machines beeped, doctors spoke in codes, and yet—I could still say, all is well.

This moment reminds me of the Shunammite woman in 2 Kings 4. Her son had died, and yet she declared, “All is well.” She didn’t deny what happened; she just refused to let her circumstance dictate her faith. God wants us to have that same kind of trust—to be able to look at the impossible and still say, it is well with my soul.

When Elijah raised her son from the dead, it wasn’t just a miracle—it was a testimony of what happens when faith meets obedience. She brought her lifeless situation to the man of God. She didn’t gossip about it. She didn’t even tell her husband. She just saddled up and went straight to the source.

Sometimes, we have to do the same.

We talk too much about the problem instead of taking it to the One who can resurrect it.

Have you brought your dead thing to God?

That broken dream? That relationship that flatlined? That faith that feels faint?

When we learn to bring it to Him and not everyone else, we begin to see His power move.

The Shunammite woman kept her composure because she knew who held her promise. And that’s what I had to do with my son—I had to trust that God would breathe again into what looked lifeless.

Five days later, Jeremy opened his eyes. His heartbeat was steady. His breathing was restored. And I could say, with even more conviction, all is well.

God is not finished with you either. Whether you’re facing loss, heartbreak, or a diagnosis that’s shaken your faith—trust Him. He’s still the same God who restores, revives, and resurrects. He’s still writing your story, and in the end, your testimony will declare: All is well.

Negatives

There we were framed in a moment of time. We were mounted by a prophetic promise and vow that was holding it all in place. The nails that it hung on, were the same ones that held Jesus to the Cross-love. It began to lean to the side and the picture was now suspended in air. I didn't know if the love was strong enough to keep us in place. The image was no longer clear. I couldn't see him anymore in the picture with the kids and me. I thought mine would be different from all the other marriages that ended up destroyed and torn by adultery. The picture was ripped.

I was suddenly thrown in a dark room.

But in my spirit I had negatives that needed to be developed. I could see us together; we were called to the multitudes. My tears became the solution that allowed me to see the images that were still hid to the naked eye. I was interceding in the dark and even when it didn’t looked like anything; I still kept praying.

1 Corinthians 7:1616 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

When I wanted to stop praying, I couldn't. I was compelled. I was driven to this dark place where only God could help me see what no one else could. He was sharing his eternal secrets and causing the passions of Christ to be developed from the negatives in me.

Deuteronomy 29:29 The secret things belong unto the Lord our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.

It was in this place, that I would discover the beauty of who he had created me to be. Why did I have to go through this? Why me? I was torn, split and I desperately wanted to quit. I didn't even know why I still wanted to be married anymore. But other things began to appear in the negatives as I kept weeping. The solution for the images was producing a clearer picture. It was no longer about what he was or wasn't doing, if he loved me or not, how angry and bitter I had become. I had finally gotten passed me, passed us. I began to see my great-grandmother, Clara Muhammad. I was close enough now to the negatives, that I could hear her cries and her cries became mine.

Get God's attention

“Get God’s Attention and Recover All”

I love King David. The Word says he was a man after God’s own heart. Did he make mistakes? Absolutely—BIG ones. He committed adultery, orchestrated murder, and lost a child as a result. Later, he allowed pride to creep in and numbered the people to see how many were following him—and because of that decision, thousands died. David paid a heavy price for his sins, yet through all of it, he still belonged to God.

What I love most about David is that he understood something most people never learn—he knew it was better to fall into the hands of God than into the hands of man.

David had issues like many of us—family problems, betrayal, heartbreak, loss. He went through things that could have broken anybody else, but even in all that, he never lost his position. He was still the King. And he knew how to get God’s attention.

David understood the power of posture. He knew when to fall on his face, when to cry out, and when to worship through the pain. He didn’t just ask God for deliverance; he sought divine strategy. He inquired of the Lord before every major decision. David was a man of war—so much so that his son Solomon never had to fight a single battle. Why? Because his father’s obedience and warfare had already secured his peace.

That’s the kind of legacy I want to leave behind—one where my children and my children’s children walk in victories that my prayers secured.

One of my favorite moments in David’s story is at Ziklag. The enemy had burned everything. His wives, children, and the families of his men were taken captive. And to make it worse, his own soldiers—men who had fought beside him—turned on him. They were ready to stone him. Can you imagine? Betrayed, grieving, exhausted, and yet, David encouraged himself in the Lord.

He didn’t wait for validation. He didn’t wait for someone to come check on him. He went straight to God. And he got heaven’s attention. He asked, “Shall I pursue?” And God answered, “Pursue, for you shall surely overtake them, and without fail recover all.”

That’s the word for somebody right now—it’s time to encourage yourself, get God’s attention, and recover all. Even when you don’t know which direction to go, trust that God will order your steps.

When David reached the brook Besor, some of his men were too weary to go any further. They stayed behind while the others went into battle. And after David recovered everything, some of the men didn’t want to share the spoils with those who stayed. But David’s heart revealed why he was chosen. He said, “As his part is that goes down to the battle, so shall his part be that tarries by the stuff; they shall part alike.”

What a reflection of the heart of God!

So don’t despise the ones who couldn’t fight with you. Don’t get bitter at those who didn’t believe in you or couldn’t go the distance. Everyone can’t carry the same weight. Everyone isn’t called to your war. But when God allows you to return with victory, keep your heart right. Handle your wins with humility.

This is why God called David a man after His own heart—not because he was perfect, but because he knew how to repent, recover, and return with the right spirit.

So, in this season, posture yourself like David. Fall on your face before God. Ask for strategy. Then get up and pursue, overtake, and recover all. Every promise, every dream, every relationship, every ounce of peace and purpose that belongs to you—it’s time to get it back.

Tomorrow about this time

You have received prophesies and are believing God to fulfill them in this season. Yet you have people around you just like Elisha’s servant did that have challenged you what God showed you is impossible. Yet, you know you have heard from God like Elisha did.

Elisha was not moved.

 Neither should you be. 

Don’t let the past season make you believe that God cannot fulfill his promises. God is going to do it. God’s ways are not our ways. His thoughts are higher than ours! You know what you have asked God for, and no man can give it to you.  Your right to it is found in your ability to have faith to receive it! 

Then Elisha said, “Hear the word of the Lord. Thus says the Lord: Tomorrow about this time a measure of fine flour will sell for a shekel and two measures of barley for a shekel in the gate of Samaria!

There had been a famine in the land and no rain for three years.  The famine was so bad they were selling bird poop and eating their babies!  You may be thinking it can’t get any worse than this! Out of the blue the man of God releases the word of the Lord and this happens next!

 3 Now there were four men with leprosy at the entrance of the city gate. They said to each other, “Why stay here until we die? 4 If we say, ‘We’ll go into the city’—the famine is there, and we will die. And if we stay here, we will die. So, let’s go over to the camp of the Arameans and surrender. If they spare us, we live; if they kill us, then we die.”

Notice Elijah didn’t prophesy to the lepers.  You may be saying, I haven’t received a prophetic word to confirm this season. They didn’t get the prophetic word either. He said this was going to specifically happen tomorrow---the next day. What if the lepers decided that they were going to stay where they were longer with no sense of discerning of the time and season? They said, if they stayed where they were that they were going to die.  Do you know that you must decide to move forward? It’s not even an issue of going backward anymore, you can’t stay where you are anymore!!!

Your season of drought and famine is OVER!!! You may not know how or who God is going to use, but it is going to happen if you move forward.

 Do you not know that although you may be the least to think you could affect a city, a nation or your own family, your ability to discern the time and your season to OBEY is critical. 

It is critical for everyone around you to receive the fulfillment of their prophetic word and for your own deliverance and prosperity for you to obey!

The obedience of the four lepers was completely hinged on the prophetic word coming to pass and they never got the prophetic word. They just recognized in their own personal lives, they needed to move forward.

Some of you have decided to camp out longer because of the fear of the unknown. They had no idea that God had angels that were with them, and that the enemy would hear them as a mighty army. You are not alone. God has sent his angels on assignment to help you accomplish this assignment. It’s time to receive the spoils that God has promised you, about this time tomorrow. God is holding our prophetic tomorrow in his hand.

The still small voice

We live in a time where we desperately need to know and hear the voice of God. The noise of this world is louder than ever—politics, pain, social media, confusion, and chaos all trying to shape what we believe. Yet, in the midst of it all, there remains one truth: God is still speaking.

However, not everyone believes that. Some think God stopped talking after the Bible was written. But I can’t serve a God who can’t hear and respond back to me. My relationship with Him is not one-sided. It’s not built on rituals or religious routines—it’s built on conversation. I talk, and He listens. He speaks, and I obey.

Maybe you do believe He’s still speaking, but your struggle is recognizing His voice. I’ve been there. We often expect Him to respond the way He did before—through the same people, the same songs, the same signs. But what happens when the familiar ways go silent?

Sometimes, when life gets hard and storms start raging, it feels easier to discern His direction. We hear Him in the winds of crisis or the fire of pressure. But can you hear Him in the quiet? Can you sense His whisper when life isn’t dramatic?

We must learn to hear God outside of the winds, earthquakes, and fires. Don’t miss His voice because you’re waiting for something loud, emotional, or spectacular. God doesn’t always move in the drama—sometimes He moves in the details.

In 1 Kings 19:11-13 (KJV), the Lord taught Elijah a profound lesson:

“And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains… but the Lord was not in the wind… and after the fire a still small voice.”

God was showing Elijah—and us—that His presence isn’t always proven through power but through peace.

During the pandemic, when the world grew silent, I felt God reminding us of this truth. So many of the things we were accustomed to—our routines, our churches, our systems—came to an abrupt halt. It was as if heaven whispered, “Be still and know that I am God.”

I remember praying years ago, “Lord, teach me to hear You more clearly in the small details of my life.” Not long after, He began doing just that.

One morning, as I was getting dressed, I was removing safety pins from a skirt that had just come from the cleaners. I heard a still, small voice say, “Take one of those safety pins with you today. Someone will need it.” It seemed odd, but I obeyed and tucked one into my purse.

Hours later, one of my employees walked into my office and asked, “Do you happen to have a safety pin?” I smiled inside because I knew this was no coincidence—this was God teaching me to trust His voice in the everyday moments.

It wasn’t “something told me.” It was Someone—the Holy Spirit. That gentle whisper that we often overlook is God showing us that He is with us, even in the smallest things.

When we learn to listen in the small things, we can trust Him when He speaks about the big things. Every prompting, every nudge, every quiet instruction matters.

So, I want to challenge you in this season: don’t limit how you hear God. He may not come through thunder this time. He may not use the same vessel He used before. He might not shout over the noise. Instead, He may simply whisper.

Listen closely. Because the whisper of God carries more power than the noise of the world.

Stay Here

“Don’t Stay Here—Keep Going!”

There comes a time when even what once led you must release you to grow. Elijah said to Elisha, “Stay here; the Lord has sent me to Bethel.” But Elisha replied, “As surely as the Lord lives and as you live, I will not leave you.”

What in your life is trying to tell you to stay here?

If you stay where you are, you’ll miss what God is trying to give you. The enemy will always try to convince you that comfort is confirmation—but sometimes, comfort is captivity. Elisha could’ve easily obeyed the familiar voice of his mentor, but deep within, he discerned that his next level was attached to his continued pursuit.

God is calling some of you to move beyond the place where you’ve settled. That “stay here” might look like fear, fatigue, heartbreak, or even advice from someone you once trusted. But you cannot stay where God’s glory used to be—you must follow where it is now.

The prophets at Bethel came out and said to Elisha, “Do you know the Lord is going to take your master today?” Elisha said, “Yes, I know—be quiet.”

There will be moments when people around you question your discernment, your timing, or your faith. They may think you’ve lost your edge or missed your moment. Elisha’s peers were prophets too—they had gifts, but they lacked persistence. They knew what was coming, but only Elisha refused to be talked out of his pursuit.

Sometimes, you have to silence the noise. You can’t afford to entertain every conversation when you’re on the brink of transition. Elisha’s response was consistent: “Be quiet.”

That’s what you must tell your fear, your doubt, and your weariness. Be quiet. You’ve come too far to stop here. Don’t let your situation confine you to a box, while the world passing you by.

Then Elijah said to him again, “Stay here; the Lord has sent me to Jericho.” But Elisha refused again. He was determined. Each new level required greater separation, and Elisha wouldn’t let go until he got what God had promised.

So I ask you: what in your life is challenging you to “stay here”?

Is it the email that said you didn’t get the job?

The diagnosis that tried to seal your fate?

The divorce papers that whispered it’s over?

The financial statement that made you think it’s too late to dream again?

Don’t stay there. Keep going.

At every stop, the prophets questioned him again. And Elisha replied again, “Yes, I know—be quiet.” His consistency positioned him for inheritance. His persistence was the proof of his faith.

Finally, when they crossed the Jordan, Elijah asked, “Tell me, what can I do for you before I am taken?”

Elisha didn’t ask for money, a title, or fame. He asked for a double portion of his spirit. And Elijah said, “You’ve asked a difficult thing—but if you see me when I am taken, it will be yours.”

That’s it—if you can see it, you can receive it.

This is the season to pursue what looks difficult. Stay in position. Keep following God’s voice even when others fall away. Don’t settle where it’s safe. Don’t let fear tell you to “stay here.” The double portion is waiting on the other side of your obedience.

You are closer than you think. Keep walking. Keep believing. Keep pressing.

If you can see it, you can have it.

Don’t stay here—keep going.

Offenses will come

Standing for Truth, Even When It Costs You

What do you do when the truth and a lie collide like two football players crashing into each other at full speed? Years ago, I watched the movie Concussion, and it left a lasting impression on me for several reasons. I was moved by the passion and commitment Dr. Bennet Omalu showed as he examined his patients—men whose voices were silenced by death, yet whose bodies held the stories of their lives. He became their voice.

Have you ever felt called to be a voice for the voiceless? Have you been placed in a position where you must speak truth even when it’s inconvenient, unpopular, or costly? That is exactly what God calls us to do.

There was another moment in the movie that resonated deeply with me—the integrity and honor Dr. Omalu maintained. He risked his career, his finances, his reputation, yet he stayed faithful to the truth. Offenses came, and opposition arose, but he did not waver. Jesus told us that offenses will come in this world. How we respond to them is the true test of faith.

God wants us to remain faithful to the truth and the message He has given us, no matter the opposition or offense. Even when those closest to us may not understand, even when family or community may reject our words, we are called to be steadfast. For me, despite my father’s family being Islamic, I continue to share my Christian beliefs. I share my story. I share the Word of God. And I pray that those who hear will be delivered and saved, even if my words are seen as offensive.

Dr. Omalu’s discoveries came at a great cost. The truth he revealed changed lives, but it also put him in the center of controversy. His purpose required sacrifice. Have you ever had to suffer for standing up for what is right? I have. And watching Dr. Omalu reminded me of the power and weight of obedience, of courage in the face of opposition.

Even though millions of people still love football, his work brought awareness to a painful reality that otherwise would have remained hidden. Similarly, even if millions choose to follow false teachings, including those of the Nation of Islam or other religions, I will speak the truth of God’s Word. I will proclaim Christ. I will continue to testify of the love of Jesus, regardless of rejection, misunderstanding, or offense.

Even when it feels like your sacrifices go unnoticed, do it for the glory of God. Even when the world does not honor your obedience, do it for the glory of God. God is looking for faithfulness, not applause.

Dr. Omalu’s work exposed a hidden truth that saved countless lives from pain and injury. God desires to reveal a similar truth through us—revelation, light, and understanding that pierces through deception and lies. He wants the world to know that He so loved it that He gave His only begotten Son so that none would be lost. Jesus is Lord!

Stand for truth. Speak your story. Remain faithful. Your obedience may cost you something, but it will bless generations and glorify God. Just as Dr. Omalu became a voice for those who could no longer speak, God wants you to be a voice for those who need to hear Him.

Push

Sometimes in life, we all need a good PUSH.

I think about a child learning to ride a bicycle without training wheels. You can see the excitement and the fear in their eyes. They want the freedom to ride, but not the fall that might come with it. And then—there’s that moment when a loving parent stands behind them, gives one good push, and says, “You got it! Keep going!”

That’s how God works with us.

Sometimes we want to rush the process and prove we can handle things before we’re ready. We think we’re strong enough to balance our own weight—to ride through life independently. But then, the winds of disappointment, delay, or distraction start to blow, and we realize we still need His hand on the seat. We need that divine push to get us moving again.

No matter where you find yourself—whether it’s in your career, ministry, education, or your walk with God—there will come a time when you need that extra push. Even a woman who has carried her baby for nine full months can’t bring that baby into the world without one final, powerful PUSH.

Whatever God has placed inside of you—every dream, vision, or purpose—will require your willingness to push past fear, past disappointment, and past your own disbelief. Because sometimes what God promised seems delayed, and you start to wonder if it will ever happen. But just because it’s taking longer than you expected doesn’t mean it’s not coming forth. It just means the delivery requires your participation.

I remember after graduating high school, I told myself I wasn’t going back to school. I thought, “Jesus is coming soon, so what’s the point?” I was waiting on His return but not doing anything to develop myself in the meantime. I spent a whole year just drifting—no direction, no progress—until a friend looked at me and said, “You need to go to college.” That one statement changed my entire trajectory. It was the PUSH I needed. I registered the next day.

Years later, when it came time to go back for my Master’s degree, that push didn’t come as easily. It took years—many small nudges from different people, and even divine conviction—before I finally obeyed. I was comfortable where I was. I had a good job, stability, and familiarity. But God was calling me higher. I didn’t realize that the next degree wasn’t just about education—it was about preparation. It was about being seated at tables I never would’ve reached otherwise.

Sometimes God’s push isn’t about a classroom—it’s about positioning. It’s not just about acquiring knowledge but being aligned with purpose. He will surround you with people who will challenge you to grow, confront your comfort, and push you toward the next level of your destiny.

Maybe you’ve lost your job and feel like your world has gone dark. But what if that’s not rejection? What if it’s a divine redirection? Maybe God is finally giving you the space and time to build that business, start that ministry, or finish that book you’ve been carrying for years.

God knows when to push us. He knows when to let go so we can ride and when to steady us before we fall. His push doesn’t come to punish you—it comes to propel you. You are not being abandoned; you’re being launched.

So, if you’re feeling the pressure right now, take courage—it’s not the end; it’s the PUSH before the promise. God is opening doors, aligning divine connections, and surrounding you with people who will help you move into your NEXT.

It’s time to balance, breathe, and believe again. Don’t be afraid of the push—it’s God’s way of saying, “You got it. Keep going.”

Audacity to Hope

The Audacity to Hope Again

We were born for the times we were needed the most. When God sent us into the earth, He sent us as an answer. You are not a mistake — you are a divine response.

The question becomes, what have you been called to die for? King David once asked, “Is there not a cause?” What burdens your heart to tears? What takes your breath away because it stirs something eternal inside you? What could you give your life to every day, even if you never received a paycheck for it? These are clues to your divine assignment.

God made Abram and Sarai a promise — a son. That seemed small enough, simple enough, but what they didn’t know was that God’s plan was far greater than their desire. What they asked for was personal, but what God intended was generational. Their belief in God for one child would unlock blessings for every generation that came after them.

You may be holding onto a dream or promise right now that feels delayed, distant, or even dead. You may not even realize how many destinies are attached to your obedience. Nevertheless, to see that promise come forth, it will take what I call the audacity to hope against hope.

Abram was 99 years old. Sarai was 90. Every natural reason to hope had expired. Their bodies were worn, their passion tested, and their faith stretched beyond imagination. If I’m being honest — and I’ll always be honest with you — I would’ve told God, “Never mind. You took too long, and I don’t want a child anymore.”

But God never forgets a promise.

Some of you are standing in that same space right now. You’ve been believing, but the time has tested your endurance. You’ve cried silent tears and whispered, “Lord, when?” But let me remind you: don’t do what Abram and Sarai did and try to make it happen without God. When we rush His process, we birth something outside His promise.

Then God comes again and says, “You will have a son.” He names the promise Isaac, meaning laughter. Because after all the pain, after all the delay, the joy was still coming.

The Word says He is the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. His promises are not just for you — they are for generations to come. When God blesses you, He blesses your bloodline. But to see it come to pass, you must dare to believe when everything looks and feels dead.

There will be times your dream will seem impossible.

There will be times people will mock your faith.

There will be times you will even question yourself.

But remember — Abram and Sarai had to become Abraham and Sarah before the promise manifested. Most people believe they were waiting on God, but the truth is, God was waiting on them to become.

The same is true for you. God has already written the promise; He’s just waiting on the version of you that can handle it. Allow Him to make you into the person He gave the promise to.

And when it finally comes — you’ll realize that every tear, every test, every delay was preparation for the miracle.

Psalm 126 says, “When the Lord turned again the captivity of Zion, we were like them that dream.”

God is calling you to dream again — even in the middle of your captivity. Hope again. Believe again. The promise still stands.

Because when God turns your captivity, your laughter will return — and your story will testify that you had the audacity to hope again.

Meet Ruth

Who is Ruth?

Please indulge me, as I take a few minutes to share about someone very near and dear to me. My sister, Ruth Muhammad.

If you have wanted a baby girl, Ruth was born that beautiful brown eyed, curly head, healthy baby girl. She was a dream of every mother at birth. Ruth was a big sister, a loving daughter, a kindhearted friend and a mother that loved her children in spite of her flaws, insecurities and troubles.

One of the things I admired most about my sister was her artistic abilities. She was so talented. We all ran to her as children to draw all of our art projects. Ruth was my first teacher in some places in my childhood.

I did not learn how to tie my shoe from her or my ABC's, but I learned how to choose my friends. I learned that doing drugs was not the answer to my problems. I learned the importance of finishing school. I learned that the streets would never be my friend. I learned to never trust in my natural beauty. I learned to value people every day because you never know when a loved one will be gone.

Some of our last moments were the most special to me. Ruth came to visit me and on this particular day, I was doing my homework and she bent down and kissed my hands, and told me how proud she was of me for finishing school. She was killed the semester before I graduated from college.

Another moment, I had before her passing, I saw her on the street on a cold night. I was going to the store. There I was 24 years old, she was 28, and the only thing she asked of me, was to hold my hand as we walked through the store. I did it without hesitation.

The last day, she came to visit before she was violently taken was 3 days before she was murdered. I had gotten a sore throat. She was sitting in the hallway on the stairs outside my apartment door. I asked her what made her come and I kept saying, I am not normally home at this time. I left school early that day.

She told me Jeremy, my three, soon to be four year old, had asked her for a Barney tape for his birthday. She insisted that she had to get him the money. She handed me a wad of change, running in and out the door several times to gather more, until it totaled $10 dollars. She was crying so hard. I asked her what was wrong. I'll never forget her last words to me, I'm tired now. I am tired of the streets and she knelt in the floor and just wept. She had a heaviness on her, I will never forget.

She let me know before she left that she was concerned about her children. Jeremy often asked for them, which would cause her to cry harder. See, Ruth had gotten on drugs as a very young teenager. This door was the slow demise of her life that was a constant struggle that lead to many other paths of destruction.

Ruth died a death that was every mother's nightmare. Ruth struggled with a lack of support. I believe proper support would have helped her end to be different. It is through these support systems that I am hoping to help other young single moms to overcome. I pray that through Ruth's Vineyard, my sister will find a place of honor on this side of heaven, through every woman that receives what she needed the most. Support.

What's in your cup?

Sometimes we become thirsty but the drink that we end up getting from God is not the drink we thought we would get. What’s in your cup?  Only God knows. God has prepared a drink for you with a cup prepared especially just for you.  That cup that has been prepared for you has everything to do with what you will suffer for in this life for Christ to rule and reign in his kingdom both now and in eternity.

One of the most fascinating stories in the bible illustrates this story from a request for both her two sons. 

Think about this for a moment.  Her two sons weren’t even chosen disciples.    However, Jesus didn’t rebuke her for asking but instead allows her question and his answers to be put in the bible so we can learn several things.

Lets read the scriptures first from Matthew 20: 20-23

20Then the mother of Zebedee’s sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him.

21“What is it you want?” he asked.

She said, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.”

22“You don’t know what you are asking,” Jesus said to them. “Can you drink THE cup I am going to drink?”

“We can,” they answered.

23Jesus said to them, “You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father.”

1.    Jesus lets them know that they don’t understand the magnitude of their request. Sometimes we ask God for things but don’t really understand what it will cost us to get it.

2.    Jesus wants us all to know that our cup of suffering now has everything to do with our eternal positioning in the kingdom of God.

3.    Jesus ask her could they drink THE cup but then goes on to let them know  that they would indeed drink FROM that cup.

4.    And lastly, he lets them know that our heavenly father has the final say in the positioning in the kingdom of heaven.

God wants us to settle in our hearts that we will suffer to reign with him in this earth and in eternity, if we are willing to drink from that same cup.  Just like Christ asked in the garden of Gethsemane for that cup to pass from him, he totally understands the pain and suffering of the trials and tribulation, peril and persecution knowing that he drank THE entire cup.  We need to resolve in our hearts that because he overcame all these things that we too can overcome as well.  We cant reign if we aren’t willing to suffer for Christ. We must drink the whole cup that he has prepared for each of us.

The Fingerprints of God

“Whose Fingerprints Are on You?”

Before we were ever created or knit together in our mother’s womb, the Bible says that God knew us (Jeremiah 1:5). That means before our first breath, before the world ever saw our face, we were already known. Every hair on our head is numbered—not just counted. God doesn’t simply know how many we have; He knows exactly which strand falls, and every detail of our life is recorded.

One of the greatest ways God has built my self-esteem is through His nurturing love, forgiveness, and grace. His patience with me has healed wounds that no affirmation, relationship, or earthly validation ever could. The Bible says, “Freely you have received, freely give.” That doesn’t just mean money—it means love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness.

As a young girl, by the time I was twelve, I didn’t feel special at all. I was born on June 13th, and my “golden birthday” was approaching. But instead of excitement, I felt empty. I made the same mistake so many of us do—I compared myself to others. I began to measure my worth through the eyes of people. To me, I was just another light-skinned, long-haired, brown-eyed girl—nothing special.

At that age, I remember thinking, If my own mother, who had four children, couldn’t love me the way I needed—how could God love me when He has billions of children? That question followed me for years.

Maybe you’ve asked yourself something similar. Maybe life, rejection, or how you were handled as a child caused you to question your value or what makes you unique. But the Word of God says you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). That means your existence was crafted with holy reverence. Every fingerprint is different—no two the same. So, what was on the mind of God when He created you?

Psalm 139:2 says God knows our thoughts from afar, and verses 17–18 remind us that His thoughts toward us are more numerous than the sand on the sea. Imagine that—God thinks about you constantly. You are not forgotten, overlooked, or replaceable. You were hand-sculpted by the Creator Himself.

When God began to reveal Himself to me at seventeen, He went out of His way to show me how special I was to Him. Through prophetic words and divine encounters, He began to unlock my heart. He affirmed me. He confirmed me. He revealed His plans for my life. Slowly, He began removing the lies and replacing them with His truth.

Exodus 20:4 warns us not to make or worship graven images—and yet, many of us have unknowingly done just that. We have created false images of God based on how we’ve been handled by others. I didn’t realize as a child that I was viewing God through the lens of my pain. Because I had been mishandled, abandoned, or overlooked, I began to project those same attributes onto Him.

But God came after those graven images. He wanted to heal the distorted picture I had painted of Him in my heart.

So, I ask you today: Who has mishandled you and caused you to question your value? Whose fingerprints have been left on your soul?

Sometimes, we can’t even hear the cry of our own children or spouses because the child within us is still screaming for love, safety, and validation. But the Father desires to heal that part of you. He wants to remove every fingerprint that doesn’t belong—and leave His own divine imprint upon your heart.

Let Him touch the places that still ache. Let Him show you that you were never forgotten, never a mistake, and never ordinary. You are His masterpiece—and His fingerprints are all over your life.

Guarding God's Perspective in adversity

Let’s take a closer look at the life of a man who understood what it meant to guard God’s perspective during adversity — Joseph.

When Joseph shared his dream with his brothers, their reaction wasn’t celebration or support. Scripture says, “They hated him even more for his dreams and for his words.” (Genesis 37:8) They looked at him with envy, jealousy, and resentment. Even his father, Jacob, didn’t understand and rebuked him.

There will be times in your life when God reveals a dream — something so divine and specific to your purpose — and those closest to you won’t understand. That’s because the dream wasn’t given to them; it was entrusted to you. Joseph’s dream set him apart, and your dream will do the same. But with that dream comes a responsibility — to guard God’s perspective through every stage of adversity.

Not long after sharing his dream, Joseph’s life completely shifted. Joseph didn’t know God enrolled in the school of adversity. He went from being his father’s favorite son to being sold into slavery by his own brothers. The same brothers who should have protected him plotted his death. From that moment, Joseph’s life was marked by betrayal, false accusation, and imprisonment.

He was forsaken by his family, betrayed by his master’s wife, and forgotten by the very man he helped in prison.

If you’ve ever walked through a season that felt unfair — when it seemed like life and even God Himself had forgotten you — then you understand a little bit of Joseph’s pain. The Bible doesn’t record Joseph’s tears, but I’m sure he had many of them. It doesn’t tell us about the long nights he cried out to God asking to see his father again, or the moments when he felt so low he wanted to give up.

But one thing I believe kept him alive — the dream.

When God gives you a dream, it sustains you in dark seasons.

Maybe you’re in that place now. You’ve done nothing to deserve the suffering you’re experiencing. You’ve been faithful, you’ve been obedient, and yet life seems to have turned against you. You’re asking God, “Why me?” But maybe God is asking, “Why not you?”

We are not greater than our Lord. It pleased the Father to bruise Jesus — not because He enjoyed His pain, but because He knew what the suffering would produce. If it pleased Him to bruise His own Son, do we think we’ll never be bruised as well?

For Joseph to fulfill his dream, he had to guard his “why.” He had to remember that what he carried was divine. I’m convinced God didn’t bring Joseph out of the prison until He knew Joseph could look at everything he had gone through and see it from heaven’s perspective. He had to pass his lessons on love and forgiveness.

When Joseph finally revealed himself to his brothers, listen to his response:

“Be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life… So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God.” (Genesis 45:5,8)

That’s what it looks like to guard God’s perspective. Joseph no longer saw betrayal — he saw destiny. He no longer saw pain — he saw purpose.

So, what happened to you?

And what is God’s perspective in your adversity?

Get Ready to Be Given to the Multitudes

How many of us have gifts, talents, and ideas that visit us every single day—yet we never pursue them because we underestimate our own value and significance? We talk ourselves out of what God is trying to awaken in us. We convince ourselves that it’s not enough, that we’re not enough. But what if the thing you’ve been minimizing is the very thing God wants to multiply? What’s in your hands?

I’m reminded of a story in the Bible when Jesus had been preaching to the crowds and they became hungry. Not hungry for the Word this time, but for food. In John 6:8–9 it says, “Another of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up, ‘Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?’”

Listen to that. “How far will they go among so many?” That question exposes how we often see what we have—small, insignificant, not enough. The disciple couldn’t see how something so little could make a difference. And if we’re honest, many of us feel the same way about our gifts. We look at our limited resources, our lack of support, our past failures—and we tell ourselves, “What I have can’t possibly make an impact.”

But here’s what I love about Jesus: He didn’t need a full bakery or a fisherman’s market. He just needed someone willing to offer up what they had. The boy gave what was in his hands—small loaves, small fish—but in the hands of Jesus, it became more than enough.

God is saying to someone today: “Offer it up.”

Offer up what you’ve been holding back. Offer up your voice, your creativity, your calling, your heart. Because when you give it to Him, He blesses it, breaks it, and multiplies it. And what once seemed insignificant becomes supernatural.

God is not asking you to have it all figured out. He’s not waiting for you to feel ready. He’s simply asking you to give Him what you have. You might feel like that little boy—standing in front of a crowd, with what looks like not enough—but when Jesus touches it, He turns little into overflow.

Don’t let your own opinion of yourself limit what God wants to do through your life. You’ve been through the breaking, the process, the waiting—but that was all preparation. Because when God is finished with His process in you, He’s going to give you to the multitudes.

Somebody out there is hungry—not for natural food, but for what God has placed inside of you. There’s a world waiting to be fed by what you carry. Your story, your wisdom, your anointing—it’s all nourishment for someone else’s breakthrough.

So today, stop disqualifying yourself. Stop saying, “It’s not enough.” If it’s in your hands, it’s already enough for God to use. You may not see how far it will go, but that’s because it was never meant to stay in your hands.

When you give it to Jesus, He multiplies it.

When you surrender it, He blesses it.

And when He’s finished, He gives you—whole, prepared, and purposed—to feed the multitudes.

Get ready to be given.

You Matter

“You matter.”

Those two simple words echoed in my spirit as I listened to Iyanla Vanzant share her spotlight moment on Oprah’s SuperSoul.TV. Her voice carried more than wisdom that day — it carried a generational cry. You could feel it. Her story wasn’t just told through her words; it was revealed through her scars. Scars that weren’t even originally hers, but her grandmother’s.

Iyanla shared how her grandmother grew up on farmland with invisible lines drawn in the dirt — lines she was never supposed to cross. Yet at nine years old, her grandmother crossed those lines and was raped by the sharecropper’s son. The most painful part wasn’t just the assault; it was her father’s reaction. Instead of protecting her, he beat her — worried more about losing his job than his daughter’s innocence.

That moment communicated a message that was louder than words: You don’t matter.

And that lie was passed down through generations, quietly replayed in patterns, choices, and self-worth.

That same message has echoed in many of our lives, hasn’t it?

I’ve had to face that same question myself. What were the lines drawn in the sands of my own generations? What boundaries did pain and shame create before I even knew they existed? What was I robbed of — not physically, but emotionally, spiritually — that shaped how I saw myself and how I believed others saw me?

For me, that message came early.

My mother had four children. By the time I was nine years old, I believed my mother didn’t love me — because she never wanted four children. And I was the fourth. That seed of rejection took root so deeply that it started shaping how I saw God. I thought, If my mother couldn’t love me because she had too many children, how could God love me when He has the whole world to take care of?

That was the question of my little heart. And it was a question I carried quietly for years.

But I’ve learned something since then — something the enemy never wanted me to discover: the truth that I matter.

Every scar, every tear, every “why me” moment — God was using it to rewrite the message that had been passed down to me. What the enemy meant to use as rejection, God turned into redirection. The same lines that were meant to define my limits became the place where I met His grace.

And that’s what I want you to hear today: You matter.

You matter even if your beginnings were broken.

You matter even if your story started in pain.

You matter even if you were made to believe you were unwanted, unseen, or unloved.

Don’t carry the wounds that were never yours to hold. Don’t let generational pain define who you are. Let God show you how to cross those lines in the sand and step into the place where His love meets your healing.

Someone is waiting on the other side of your testimony to hear that same message — from your voice, from your healing, from your deliverance.

Tell them the truth:

You matter.

One way

Headed the Wrong Way on a One-Way

I’ll never forget the day I was driving full speed ahead—right in the wrong direction—up a ONE WAY. I was distracted, laughing on my cell phone, and I missed my turn to enter the correct ramp. In my own reasoning, I thought I could take a “shortcut.” My mother was sitting in the passenger seat, and before I knew it, I was halfway up an exit ramp—cars were supposed to be coming down, not up.

I remember feeling the shock hit me all at once as I realized what I had done. But even in my carelessness, God’s mercy met me. He gave me the grace, space, and time to back up, turn around, and safely get back into the right flow of traffic.

You see, it should have been obvious I was going the wrong way. The signs were there. The warnings were clear. But I was distracted, confident in my own decision, and not paying attention.

Isn’t that how life can be sometimes? We’re headed in the wrong direction, fully convinced we’re right. We ignore the signs. We justify our choices. And by the time we realize the truth, we’ve already gone too far up the ramp.

Maybe it’s not a literal one-way, but a spiritual, emotional, or relational one.

Maybe you’ve gotten involved in an adulterous affair, believing the lie that he or she was “separated,” so somehow you had a right to them. Maybe you’ve followed a belief system that seemed right because it made sense to your mind, but it wasn’t God’s truth.

The Bible says in Proverbs 14:12, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”

No matter what lie you’ve believed, God loves you enough to protect you even in your deception. He loves you enough to give you time to make a U-turn. He will reveal the truth if you earnestly ask Him in Jesus’ name. There are no shortcuts to righteousness, and there are no alternate routes to God.

Jesus said in John 14:6, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.”

There is only one way, and His name is Jesus.

I think often about that day. Who did God divert to protect me and my mother and me from hurting them? Who forgot their keys and had to go back home? Who took another route that afternoon because heaven’s angels rearranged traffic just to save us? God was working behind the scenes the whole time.

If you have loved ones going the wrong way, don’t stop praying. God is able to deliver them just as He delivered me. What He did on that ramp physically, He can do spiritually for those you love.

Even in relationships, when we finally realize we’re heading the wrong way, God in His mercy allows us time to turn around before we destroy ourselves—or others in our path. A wrong connection can derail a destiny. Generations matter to God. Scripture carefully records, “this one begot that one,” because lineage carries legacy.

Think about Ruth and Boaz. What if Boaz hadn’t discerned Ruth’s worth? What if she had stayed tied to the wrong field or the wrong man? Jesus Himself came from that lineage. One wrong relationship could’ve altered generations.

So if you find yourself heading up the wrong ramp—spiritually, emotionally, or relationally—pause. Seek God. Let Him show you where you are, and give you grace to turn around.

God’s love is not just in the blessings—it’s in the warnings. And His mercy is not just in the rescue—it’s in the chance to turn back before it’s too late.

You may have gone the wrong way, but thank God, there’s still time to make a U-turn.

The ledge of faith

Keep Building: God is Not Done with You Yet”

Sometimes in life it will feel as though you’re standing on a ledge and nothing but ashes and the task before you seems impossible. You can see the vision, but your hands tremble at the thought of how it’s ever going to come together. That’s exactly how Nehemiah must have felt — standing on the ledge of faith, staring at broken walls and burned gates, yet believing God enough to start rebuilding anyway.

There are those of us who are called to both guard and build. God is calling us to pick up our tools again, even when it feels too late or too heavy. You may have lost your passion, your focus, or even your sense of purpose — but let me ask you this: What makes you cry? What burdens you so deeply that you can’t ignore it? That thing right there is often where your purpose lives.

The walls of Jerusalem had been broken down and the gates burned for years. But when Nehemiah heard about it, he didn’t gossip, complain, or scroll past the problem. The Bible says he wept, fasted, and prayed. He was grieved over the ruin of his nation. Some may have looked at him as just a cupbearer — an ordinary man with an ordinary job. But Nehemiah was a cupbearer with a burden from God, strategically positioned to serve the King and Queen.

Don’t you dare underestimate where God has you. Your position isn’t random — it’s divine. You are where you are because God is using that place to prepare you, shape you, and give you access for the assignment ahead. You’re not just serving a system or a company; you’re being positioned to change history.

Before Nehemiah ever built a wall, he built an altar. He repented for the sins of Israel and reminded God of His promises. That’s where breakthrough begins — with repentance and remembrance. God hasn’t forgotten His word over your life, but sometimes He’s waiting for you to remind Him of what He said.

If you’ll stand in the gap like Nehemiah did and begin to rebuild what’s been torn down in your family — spiritually, emotionally, or financially — God will restore the waste places. What’s been broken for years can be rebuilt in days when it’s God’s appointed time.

The enemy mocked Nehemiah, just like he mocks you. They said, “What are these feeble Jews doing? Do they think they can rebuild this wall?” They laughed at him, ridiculed his efforts, and questioned his strength. But Nehemiah didn’t stop. He kept building. Mute the noise. It’s none of their business. Everyone won’t understand what you’re doing or why you’re doing it — but they don’t have to.

You will be challenged. You will be mocked. You will be misunderstood. But you must remain focused and finish what God told you to do.

Maybe the enemy is whispering to you: “How will you recover from this divorce? How will you rebuild after bankruptcy? How will you help others heal when you’re still healing?” The answer is simple — the same God who helped Nehemiah will help you.

God is rebuilding the walls of your bloodline. He’s restoring what’s been in ruins for generations. He’s bringing beauty from ashes and speed to the rebuilding process. It’s not over. You are being positioned for favor. You are being strengthened to finish. Keep building and warring with the promises of God. The walls and gates are being restored — generationally. God is not done with you yet.

Against all odds

I absolutely love horses and believe I will ride more in the future. There’s something powerful, free, and spiritual about the way they move—graceful yet strong, calm yet full of fire. Horses have always spoken to something deep in my spirit, maybe because my childhood dream was to be a jockey. I had the height, the weight—but even more than those, I had the heart.

At 18 years old, Apostle John Eckhardt prophesied over me: “No matter how much the odds seem to be against you, know that I am a God of miracles, and My miracle-working power is in your life to break you through against incredible odds.” I still believe God. Those words have followed me through every heartbreak, every closed door, every moment I wanted to quit.

It takes guts and grit to believe God when the odds are stacked against you. It took the same kind of faith for jockey Sonny Leon on May 7, 2022, when he rode Rich Strike in the Kentucky Derby. He wasn’t even supposed to be in the race. No one saw him coming. In fact, his owners didn’t even get the call until minutes before another horse scratched.

But here’s the part that gets me—he was ready. He didn’t need time to prepare because his training had already prepared him for that moment. When opportunity called, he didn’t hesitate. He mounted up and ran his race. Against 250-to-1 odds, Rich Strike won the Kentucky Derby. According to Fox Sports Australia, he only had 30 seconds to register before the deadline. Thirty seconds! And as he headed out of the stall, he was sitting in 17th place with just 40 seconds left in the race.

I see myself in that story. I see God’s prophetic word being fulfilled even when it looks like I missed my window. God has saved you a spot. Nobody is even going to see you coming. You may have felt overlooked, left out, or delayed, but your moment has already been reserved in heaven.

When God says it’s time, it won’t matter how many odds are stacked against you. You won’t have to fight for a position or beg for a seat. You’ll be divinely called into your moment. Like Rich Strike, you’ve been trained in the background for a stage you didn’t even know you’d be on.

I believe God is about to release not just me, but others like me—those who have been hidden, faithful, and obedient when no one was watching. Your training wasn’t in vain. The pain had purpose. The discipline was divine.

Esther, your season of beautification won’t last forever.. Your King will crown you one day— you are His crown. It’s time to take your rightful place. Don’t give up. You’re about to get your shot. What God has for you cannot be taken by anyone else. Your blessings have been on reserve.

Get ready to run. 🐎

Proverbs 12:4 – A virtuous wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones.

Dear June

It was on August 31, 2017 I heard you crying but you and I know this wasn’t our first encounter.  I could hear you loud and clear in my spirit.  Your cry was, Remember me.  I was on my way to drive and train a provider on some software he was struggling to document.  I headed out with my worship music on.  I wasn’t heavy about anything. 

Your cry to me was disturbing because I began to immediately weep.  How could I ever forget you?  See just like God said Abel’s blood was crying out from the ground in Gen 4:10. So was yours.

The Lord knew this.  I finished my book in September 2016 but did not release it until June 2020 on my birthday. My letter that prefaces my book under special thanks to you, reads as such!

To my unborn baby, you are not in the pictures with the other four everyone can see: you live in heaven’s nursery.  But you are forever carried in my heart and counted. I can’t wait to hold you and raise you in heaven! One of my greatest restoration gifts will be to raise you in heaven with your father.  Your childhood will be perfect! I recently learned that God doesn’t even take away the privilege of us naming you, if we both make it to heaven.  I found out that we are encouraged to name you, even if we don’t know your gender.  Together, we finally named you in December 2015. I would like to thank you for forgiving me, your father, and all those who were involved, the doctor, the nurse, and your grandmother. I love you more than words can ever express.  I found Jesus in my brokenness because I lost you.  Your blood still has a voice in my life that cries for restoration, forgiveness, mercy, and grace.  I love you.

See, what others don’t know was I never knew your grandmother’s name until that December 2015.  Your dad would often get extremely quite as he grieved her every December.  I had been asking him for almost seven years to name you.  See, I believe you are a girl.  I asked him what his mother’s name was.  He said, June.  I asked June what? He said June Estelle.  I immediately asked him, could we name you after his mother.  He was just as delighted but neither of us could believe it took that long to do it.  I then went on to ask when was her birthday.  I did know it was in June but wasn’t sure of the exact date.  See, your due date was June 19 and her birthday was June 21.  Never would I have imagined God would have given me another daughter.  I had long given up on having another child.  I wasn’t even married.

I was almost 45 years old, and your dad was much older. I had no idea he was slowly dying.  He didn’t share it with me.  We weren’t in a relationship anymore, but I didn’t want to add to my body count.  All hell had broken out in my home with your brothers, and I didn’t even want to go home anymore.  I couldn’t believe I was pregnant in July 2016.  It was just 7 months after naming you.  I took a blood test at 12 weeks pregnant with your sister.  They wanted to make sure she wasn’t deformed.  I found out she was a girl. 

Nobody, and I mean nobody, could have told me I would have another chance at having a daughter.  Your sister was barely hanging on.  I wasn’t regularly engaging sexually so I wasn’t on birth control. I actually took a Plan B pill afterwards. I cried out to God and repented after I found out I was actually pregnant. My gynecologist insisted I should abort.  I knew I would never abort again.  It broke me when I aborted you.  All the years I labored and travailed for Ruth’s vineyard to be birthed to save other babies from abortion.  She sent me three weeks in a row to test my HCG numbers.  They were significantly low.  She told me the baby would not be normal.   I went one last time to get a blood test and my numbers shot up to the normal count. 

I was having a baby.  He didn’t want any more children.  Your dad completely shut down on me for the third time now.  How could I find myself in this same place again, I asked myself.

It took him until I was 7 months pregnant before God turned his heart.  God knows if we hadn’t named you after your grandmother just 7 months prior than that would have been your sisters name.  This is one more reason why I believe with all my heart, you were my first girl.  God gave me a second chance.  He told me that Laialh was my second chance. It took me having a girl to raise back up in my spirit.  I wanted something different for the women in my bloodline.  I never again allowed myself to be dishonored myself with him after your sister was born. He was thinking about turning back.  He kept saying he didn’t believe she would remember him.  I cried out to God and asked him to please tell him that I was going on with or without him.

 The next day he came and asked me to sit down and he said I had a dream.  I said ok. He said in the dream, you let me know that you and I were done.  I said, I have been telling you that and I asked God to tell you.  He said, God also showed me that your heart was open to with be the one God would send you.  See, I never went back. Although he came almost every day to help me with her.  I don’t know why God let me hear you but perhaps the Lord wanted me to make sure I didn’t go back with him. So, when on August 31, 2017, I heard you weeping and crying to me, Remember me:  I was broken. 

See I had already read the books on Heaven that let me know that the aborted babies wait for their parents. You wanted your dad to make it home and I needed to make sure I wasn’t in the way. I wanted the same thing and your cry was the encounter that reassured me I had made the right decision. We spent our last day with him on 1/21/2019 including Jeremy.  And God remembered you and brought him home to you on September 15, 2019.  I dream about how your dad tells you all about me and how much you mean to me. God is going to avenge your blood and I am going to be working on Ruth’s Vineyard soon.  I love you so much. You are never forgotten in my life.

until the day we meet in heaven and I get to raise you,

Forever your mommy